Set It Free

Imagine the most important person in your life. Picture their smile, their laugh, the way they hold themselves. Feel that? That warmth that spreads from the center of your chest outward to your fingers and your toes. That sense of content followed by picturing them at their best. Let yourself hear their voice calling out for you, ringing through your head as you answer them with a simple, "I'm here." Now imagine that you can't answer them; that somehow, you're not there. What if you woke up tomorrow and all you had left of this person was your memories of their smiles, their voice? Would you replay these images in your mind over and over to feel close to them or would you lock the pain away, deep in your heart? Would your day seem as bright and full of possibilities, or would a darkness envelope you? Why, you wonder? Why would you take this person from yourself? Surely something must force you. Maybe that person is dying or divorcing you or something to that extreme. Maybe they are walking away, because you never would. What if I told you that it was your choice to send this person away? What if I told you that I made this choice for the most important people in my life? I made the decision to give up three parts of my soul, and in essence my everything. I made the decision to give up my children.
What does giving up entail? I could be dramatic and say I'll never see my children again, but that's simply not true. I will see them on weekends and holidays when I can pick them up. They'll know I am their mother and I love them. However, I won't be there to see them when they've had a bad day at school, or a good day for that matter. I won't be there to help them with their homework or to talk them through their first crush. No special after school routines or bedtime rituals. No having groups of friends come over and eat all the food in the house. Life with mom just won't be the same as life with dad. Someday when they're older they might choose to live with me and nothing would make me happier. I can't count on that though, I have to let go as if they'll never live with me again.
Why am I allowing this to happen? Let's look at this from a detached view, not driven by emotion. One that I eventually had to embrace. I live in a small, rural house with no means of transportation to and from for river trips, park visits, etc. I am on food stamps which means halfway through the month I am wondering where my next meal is coming from. I have only the very basics to offer. I cannot take my kids to Sea World or Schlitterbahn on a whim. I cannot buy them fashionable clothes for school. I cannot get them the cool toys they see at the store or snacks at a movie. I simply cannot. Their father can offer them all this and more. He has the income to raise happy, normal, suburban kids with only the most superficial worries. They can have their own bedrooms and cell phones and all the fun stuff you hear kids want nowadays. Furthermore my bipolar disorder means I can't even give them the attention they deserve. What am I supposed to tell them on days when I can't even get out of bed? Come back later, mommy has issues? How do I connect with my children when I cannot connect with the world around me?  I let them go because I cannot give them what they deserve out of life.
If this was you, what would you do?