Dat Glimmer, Doe

I recently had my world smashed to pieces. Everything I defined myself by and everything I enveloped myself in was stripped away. I was left raw and open for the world. As a cold, unfeeling monster I had layers of armor made of apathy and even disdain. I could not be reached by anyone, not even my children whom I refused to reference in this blog. When my armor was destroyed I was suddenly able to feel everything I had shut out. Overwhelmed by all the pain I was in, I shut myself away from the world. I had to find a new kind of armor to keep them out. I could not walk amongst people if they could connect to me. The only problem, I had nowhere to hide. I had based my entire self identity on another person and when that person left I was naked and alone with no one to cover me. I reached out to an old friend. By all rights she should have turned me away. We hadn't spoken in years and here I was crying on her doorstep. She took me in, she held me while I cried, she told me to get back up and find my place in this world. Slowly, I began to venture out. Trying desperately to replace my missing armor at first and failing miserably. I began to realize that I could connect to others. That my once distant observation of those around me could become something more. I saw my children for the first time. I saw them desperate for their mother to show them love. I had so accustomed myself to alienation that I had sealed myself from them as well. Little by little, I allowed myself to feel for them. The more I let myself feel, the easier it was to control my temper with them. We started to talk. They shared stories of their life with me and I felt the warmth only they could provide me. I realized that I had let my fear of showing weakness completely block out my ability to love. I will spend the rest of my life making that up to them. They deserved more. I saw that the person I had entwined myself with was a cancer that was eating me from the inside. The further away I got from this person, the more I began to see myself as my own person. I now know that I have much to give to those around me. I know now that I can love. That what I had before was not love, but sick devotion and fear.