My Art

The Nature of Pain

I've felt immense pain twice in my life. The pain consumed me both times. Pressing down around me, suffocating me. At first, I tried to escape. Manipulating, lying, desperately trying to find relief. When that didn't work the panic set it. My heart raced as I felt the pain close in on me with no hope of release. I was forced to endure it day in and day out. Each morning I would wake feeling numb from sleep. Each morning I felt agony as the memory of the painful events took hold again. Every so often the pressure would build and I would sob for relief. My mind was on auto pilot, living one day at a time, every day a struggle to keep moving. This lasted several months. Then the pain began to subside. The first time I emerged covered in emotional scabs. Hard covers that kept all strong emotion out. This was my defense against future pain. Does this mean I felt nothing? Of course not. I felt love again. However, the love was guarded.  The depth of my emotion hidden from those I loved as well as myself. I stayed this way for years. Then the second painful event occurred. The scabs were ripped clean and my world closed in once more. This time a curious thing happened when the pain began to fade. I noticed that instead of scabs, I was left with soft scars. Reminders of the pain yes, but healed. No longer festering. I take with me the memory of both great pains. I know I will experience the pain again. Yet I feel hopeful knowing I can now experience great love as well.